


Dan vs. Phil: Capitalist Edition

by CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun), counting2fifteen, itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb), kishere, orphan_account, Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Dan and Phil Games, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Monopoly (Board Game), au where dan and phil post on the gaming channel, the crack is a separate ending so you can just not read it if you don’t like crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21796492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbycalhoun/pseuds/CanDanAndPhilNot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/pseuds/counting2fifteen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kishere/pseuds/kishere, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradisobound/pseuds/Yiffandquiff
Summary: Dan and Phil play Monopoly on the gaming channel. What could go wrong?Tied for 2nd place Best Collab in the 2019 phanfic awards!
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 58





	1. 1

“Hello, Dan and Phil games capitalists!” Phil opened.

“Capitalism sucks,” Dan said. “Down with the bourgeoisie.”

Phil generously chose not to mention that Dan was now technically a member of the bourgeoisie. He smiled. “Yes, Dan, and today we are going to be playing a game about the dark underside of capitalism - ”

“Bankruptcy - corruption - backstabbing - we’re playing Monopoly. You were probably expecting something much more exciting. It’s just Monopoly. Although, if you think about it, Monopoly is actually super messed up. You’re literally playing a game where the goal is to bankrupt all of your friends and family.” Dan nodded seriously.

“And I never win,” Phil complained.

“Exactly,” Dan said. “Which is why I decided to make this a-” He tilted back his head and made a sequence of gurgling noises. So did Phil. Fireballs erupted around their head.

“Which is totally unfair,” Phil said, pouting.

Dan nodded. “It is. Phil’s right. He never wins at Monopoly. He’s too nice, and nice people always lose in Monopoly. And life.”

“You’re nice sometimes,” Phil said.

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m not. Mortgage your fucking soul, I have bills to pay too.”

“Okay, you’re not nice in Monopoly, but if you’ll let me expose you for a bit - ”

“I will not - ” Dan said indignantly.

“You’re always nicer to me when we play games on the gaming channel.”

“I am not,” Dan protested.

Phil turned to the camera. “You guys have no idea. You think Dan’s all nice and innocent, letting me win whenever I call all or nothing? He never lets me do that in real life.”

“Well, that’s because - ”

Phil smirked. “You want more advertising revenue, I know.”

“That is not what I was going to say. This is slander.” Dan made puppy dog eyes at the camera.

“It’s the truth, Danny. I’m sorry you can’t handle it.”

“Besides - as if you don’t benefit from more ad revenue too,” Dan scoffed.

“Hey!” Phil said.

“Okay, okay, let’s back up a bit. What is Monopoly, Phil?”

“It destroys friendships. Last time we played, Dan threw a hotel at my face.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “That was ages ago.”

“It was the last time we played,” Phil said. “Which was ages ago because last time we played Monopoly you threw a hotel at my face.”

“I think you’re being dramatic.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Oh, I’m the dramatic one?” 

“Shut up,” Dan said. “So, Monopoly is a game where you go around the board and buy properties and run your friends and family into poverty. Any questions?”

“Yeah,” said Phil. “If you’re legally married to someone in real life, do you get joint property ownership in the game too?”

Dan looked at the camera with no expression whatsoever.

Phil bumped Dan’s shoulder, giggling. “And can we put this video on hold for a few months? Because I think I’d do better if-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dan said, laughing. “Nice try. And stop trying to leak our wedding date on social media.”

Phil dissolved into laughter. Dan grinned.

“Anyway,” Dan said, pulling out an Amazon box, “I got some new tokens.” 

Phil frowned. “I was not notified about this.”

“Oh, there’s a reason for that,” Dan said, smirking.

Phil cringed. “I’m scared.”

“You should be,” Dan said, tugging at the tape holding the box shut. “Go get me some scissors.”

Phil stood up from their lounge floor. “Get your own scissors.”

Dan pushed Phil’s legs. Phil got the scissors.

By the time Phil got back, Dan had already wrestled the box open. “You’re useless,” Dan said.

“What a great thing to say to the person who just got the scissors,” Phil said, snipping them menacingly.

Dan’s eyes widened and he grabbed them. “You are not coordinated enough to hold those.”

Phil pouted.

“Close your eyes,” Dan said.

Phil frowned. “I’m suspicious.”

“You should be.”

Phil closed his eyes.

“Okay, hands out,” Dan said.

Phil put his hands out, still frowning.

Dan dumped something in them. “Okay, open.”

Phil dropped the penis-shaped tokens Dan had put in his hands as if they were on fire. “We can’t use those,” he said. “We would lose all monetization.”

“Since when are we doing YouTube for the money, Phil? Isn’t it all about the fans? Making them happy?” Dan’s dimple was at full attention.

“Dan! What if my grandparents are watching?”

“Well then, tell them to stop.”

“We’re not using them,” Phil said, with a disturbing amount of finality.

Dan shrugged. “Okay then, I get the dog.”

“What? You know the dog is my favourite.”

“You can be the thimble,” Dan said dismissively.

“I hate being the thimble.”

“Well, maybe the thimble hates being you. Did you think about that?”

Phil pouted. “Now I did.”

“Good,” Dan continued. “Anyway, now that that’s settled, I, the bank, will be-”

“Hey! You can’t be the bank,” Phil protested.

“Well, you can barely count, so-”

“I have a Master’s degree, you know.”

“Yeah. In video editing and post-production. And you always try to give everyone way too much money.”

“It makes the game more interesting!”

“It does not. Anyway, we won’t be showing the whole game, because that would probably be insanely boring,” Dan explained. “We’ll fast forward the boring bits, and it’ll be normal again when something interesting happens. You won’t miss anything, I swear.” He paused. “So, my turn first?”

“Sure, whatever. You’re the youngest and most annoying, so probably.”

“Good,” said Dan, rolling the dice.

They traded turns in relative silence for a few rounds, collecting properties, until:

“Ha!” said Phil, at the same time as Dan groaned. Phil had landed on Boardwalk.

Phil smirked, slapping a wad of bills on the table. “I’m buying.”

Dan pouted but made the exchange. His game was not off to a great start.

The next time the video cut in, it was to a scene of Dan and Phil squabbling. Neither piece had seemed to move very far and there were only a few houses on the board.

“Okay guys,” Phil addressed the audience, fanning his face with a small stack of bills. The thimble was sitting on the Luxury Tax square, the old-fashioned-looking ring mocking any who have played with memories of losing money. ”We need you to settle a debate in the comments.”

“It’s not a debate Phil,” Dan argued, reaching across Phil’s body to reach for the collection of bills Phil was holding. “It’s literally not written in the rules. Tax money goes to the banker.”

“But it’s house rules,” Phil argued, stretching his arm high above his head, leaning dangerously sideways as Dan leaned against him to reach for the bills in Phil’s hand. “If you get taxed, the money goes to Free Parking.”

“House rules aren’t real rules if they aren’t written down, Phil,” Dan said, his tone very much exasperated. Phil tilted his head and blinked at Dan as if both shocked and unamused at how close they were. Their noses were close to touching because of how Dan had leaned on him. They stared at each other for a moment before looking guiltily at the camera, Dan sitting upright. 

“AND,” Dan continued as if that little interlude hadn’t happened, ”as everyone can see, our rules don’t have any house rules written on them.”

Dan brandished the rule pamphlet to the camera, shaking it aggressively. Phil grabbed at one edge of the paper and jokingly tugged on it a few times, threatening to write on it. He was still laughing and Dan was giggling, showing that it very much was play fighting and nothing serious.

“So rules have to be written down for them to count,” Phil asked, his tone sounding far too innocent. Dan narrowed his eyes as he nodded at Phil.

“Excellent. From now on, I’ll be leaving contacts cases on the tap and glasses wherever I please,” Phil announced, looking too pleased with himself. 

“You can’t do that,” Dan started to argue.

“Why not,” Phil asked, his grin growing bigger with ill-concealed glee. 

“It’s against the house rules,” Dan said, his face suddenly going pink.

“Where are they written, Daniel?” Phil asked, his grin fully triumphant. Dan put on an exaggerated pout.

“You can’t, though. You’re going to complain when you or I accidentally step on them in the middle of the night again. Do you really want to spend another 200 pounds on them again?”

“You get 200 every time you pass Go,” Phil said sagely, finally reaching forward with the small stack of bills. 

“Wait wait wait waitwaitwait WAIT,” Dan dramatically yelled out the last wait as Phil started to slide money underneath the corner of the board. “That has ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY nothing to do with real life.”

“Too late. Under the corner of the board, we’re playing that way now,” Phil said, turning and sticking his tongue out at Dan, who was staring at the board like he was contemplating flipping it over already. 

It was only a few more minutes before the tables turned. “Hey, you were just on Boardwalk before you got to that square! why didn’t you pay me rent?” Phil whined.

“If no one notices that you landed on an owned property, you don’t have to pay rent,” Dan said, smirking.

He was having fun with this game, despite the fact that playing Monopoly was a horrible idea. It was always nice to see Phil look flustered and frustrated. Dan still thought that Phil’s house rules were ludicrous, but two could play that game.

He was earning more money and saving money that way because Phil was so distracted by the money that he hadn’t noticed that Dan had been landing on his properties. He knew his capitalist fiance very well. Any mention of the word money and he would melt. Dan had just as much money and property as Phil, if not more.

Phil glares at him. “No fair! It’s not a rule if it’s not written down! You said so yourself! We can play back the footage!”

Dan smirked. “Oh, Phil. Oh, Phil. Someone didn’t read the rule book very well.”

“That is not a rule,” Phil whined.

Dan held up a finger and went searching for the rule book. He shoved it in Phil’s face, triumphant. “Read it and weep. Checkmate, bitch,” Dan said, taunting him.

Phil scrambled to find the words to say.

“Well, I call divorce!”

Dan just laughed in his face. “Oh, Phil, you make me laugh. We’re not even married yet and you’re already calling divorce? How low.”

Dan knew that he was just aggravating Phil at that point, but that was what he was going for. Because he was petty.

“What happened to our plan of  _ shared  _ properties? If you’re gonna be like this in Monopoly then what’s the point?” Phil sighed.

Dan rolled his eyes. “I literally cannot. Shut the fuck up. We don’t even have any shared properties in real life. Keep this up and we’ll never have any shared properties together.”

Phil stuck his tongue out at him. “You’re not being fair.”

“Phil, it’s literally in the rule book. It couldn’t be more fair. It’s not my fault you didn’t read them,” Dan pointed out. 

Phil tried to start defending himself but Dan held up a finger and cut him off.

“Nope. I’m not listening to your bullshit. If you can make up rules, I can enforce existing ones. End of.” Dan leaned in really close to Phil’s face, close enough to kiss. They wouldn’t, not on camera anyway, so Dan pulled back and smirked.

Phil turned bright red and huffed. 

“Whatever! Have it your way!”

The game went downhill for Phil very quickly. He didn’t have any unmortgaged properties left. He had only 20 dollars. He was very close to going bankrupt. A few teardrops fell down his face.

Dan was just smirking. He had four hotels and a plethora of money surrounding him. He also had a plethora of property cards around him. 

“No fair, I’m literally about to go bankrupt,” Phil said, shoving him slightly.

Dan shoved him back. “Oh, I don’t know, have you tried budgeting better, Mr Capita£ester?”

Phil just stuck his tongue out at him. “Stop it! Budgeting doesn’t work in this game, you know that.”

Dan then looked at the camera. “Well, there you go folks! I’m the REAL financer in this relationship. Capita£ester? more like DollarDan!”

Phil feigned an offended gasp and looked at the camera. “That’s all you could come up with? DollarDan? Lame!”

“Why don’t you come up with something better?” Dan scoffed.

“Danisnotonfire? More like danisnotwinning!” Phil made finger guns at the camera and Dan rolled his eyes.

“Phil, they can clearly see that I’m the winner. Capita£ester? No, make room for Losinglester!” Dan put an L on his forehead to emphasise Phil’s loss.

“Hey, no fair! I’m trying to win!” Phil said, a pout on his face.

“YOU are using HOUSE RULES and not OFFICIAL RULES, therefore, you are not trying and you’re cheating your way out of everything!” Dan pointed a finger at him.

Phil started to speak but Dan shushed him repeatedly.

“You see guys, this is what Phil does in every Monopoly game! Phil will bring up ‘rules’ and I’ll have to go whip out this,” Dan shoved the Monopoly rule book and waved it in front of the camera lens, “and prove to him that those aren’t real rules!”

Phil just rolled his eyes at the camera, but he wasn’t offended in the slightest.

Dan turned to face Phil again, looking at him with a soft glance. “Look, Phil. If you can’t pay me in Monopoly, then how are you going to support me and the children in the future?”

Phil went silent for a minute. “Does that mean I have subscribers in this game?”

Dan looked at him, appalled. “Unbelievable. THAT’s what you got out of that?”

“More like what I’d be getting out of them.”

Phil looked at the camera with a smirk and Dan just groaned.

“Phil, no! Stop that!” Dan yelled.

“Anyway, back on track.” Phil turned around to look at Dan.

“I’m not your sugar daddy, Daniel. Provide for yourself. You have your own job too,” Phil pointed out.

“Excuse you, I’m having an early retirement. And you’re completely forgetting our future children,” Dan scoffed.

“I’m doing fine,” Phil said, reaching for the dice to roll again.

Dan smirked. “Sure you are.”

Phil landed on yet another one of Dan’s properties.

“Time to pay up.” Dan gave the camera a cheeky wink. “Oh, oh dear! Phil! Do you even have enough to pay me rent?”

Anger boiled in Phil’s stomach and his eyes stung, tears threatening him again. “Uh…uh…all or nothing!” He pointed a finger up in the air. 

Dan scoffed, “Phil, what the frick is even all or nothing in Monopoly? That’s not in the rules! No more house rules!”

“Well,” Phil started, determined not to give up quite yet. “If I land on your property, then you win.” Sure he could be a sore loser, but this felt personal. He had to win. 

Dan just looked at him like an extra arm had just sprouted from between Phil’s shoulder blades. 

“You can’t be  _ fucking _ serious,” Dan said in a monotone voice. 

“And if I don’t land on your property, then I win!” 

Dan sat there for a while, muscles still, staring at Phil as if he was trying to figure out if he wanted to kiss him or murder him. 

Finally, a small smile tugged at the corner of Dan’s lips. “I’ll all or nothing your money into my pockets, you asswipe.” He threw the pair of die at Phil. 

Triumphant, Phil grabbed the die and took a look at the board. “Well, Danny boy, it seems like the only way for me to win is to roll a two or a thirteen.” 

“Okay then Philly, roll the fucking die. Let’s get this thing done and over with so I can take a victory lap.” 

With all his might, Phil cupped his hands and shook the small pieces of plastic between them. He silently prayed to whatever higher being might be out there. Then, he let his hands go.

The die tumbled and went two opposite directions. One landed right on the Monopoly guy’s face, showing a six, The other rolled off the table and landed in the crease between the sofa and the wall. 

“Oh dear, Phil! Look at that!” Dan laughed. 

“Wait! Wait!” Phil crawled over to where the dice was stuck. “Look!”

Dan turned and they both looked. The dice had landed perfectly between the six and one. 

“Looks like it’s a thirteen!” Phil punched the air above him. 

“What the fuck.” Dan’s face was concrete. “That…That’s not possible! You can’t roll a fucking thirteen!” 

In a fit of rage, Dan stood and paced around the room. 

“I did though!” Phil smiled, clearly satisfied with himself. 

“No!” Dan screamed, throwing himself down onto the sofa. “That’s not how this works Phil!” He flailed his limbs in a fit. 

“Dan—” 

Before Phil could do anything, Dan’s foot caught the edge of the board, flinging it, and all their hotels and money, into the air. 

“Dan!” 

Then there was silence. Dan looking at Phil, and Phil looking at Dan, with the remnants of their game scattered along the floor. 

“Looks like it’s a fucking tie! Are you happy Phil?” 

“That’s not a tie, Dan!” Phil exclaimed, pointing at the camera. “Dan! There has to be a winner! Look at the footage and put it back!” 

“Nope, my foot caught the board, therefore it’s a tie.” 

Phil’s cheeks lit up in a blush as he gritted his teeth. “Put the board back, Dan! We’re finishing this game!” 

Dan started laughing, his stomach knotting and hurting. He leant over and folded his arms over himself as he struggled to contain his laughing with Phil’s angry voice in his background telling him to  _ put the board back, Dan!  _

“You really want me to watch the footage and put the board back?” Dan asks, standing up straighter and walking over to the camera. He stops the recording briefly to look at Phil, who was now scouring the floor to find all of the pieces. 

“Just help me find all of the pieces!” Phil whined. “I was gonna win too.” 

Dan stopped in his tracks. “You were  _ not  _ going to win!” 

Phil sat up straighter, holding the hotels and pieces in his hands. “I was too!” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “You can’t have rolled a  _ thirteen,  _ Phil.” 

“Fine then!” Phil pushes back. “Ask Norman!” 

Dan’s eyes widened and he scoffed. “Norman isn’t going to be able to help us out, mate.” 

“Ask him!” Phil pushed. “He’ll tell us who won!” 

Dan walked over to Norman’s tank and looked through the glass to see their blue betta sitting on his leaf, just chilling. Dan let out a sigh. “Norman what do you think? Which of your dads is the winner?”

Norman opened his mouth and let out a single bubble. 

“That meant Phil!” Phil called out. 

Dan turned around, laughs still fighting their way out of his chest. “No, he fucking didn't, sit your all or nothing ass down!” 

Phil let out a huff and turned back to the board to continue to try and rearrange the board to what it was before. 

Dan eventually caves and looks back at the footage and finds a good shot of what the board looked like and he helps Phil put it back, all while they both were stifling their laughs at how  _ of course this was how their night went of them trying to play Monopoly.  _

In the end, just before Dan is about to go bankrupt and Phil is indeed going to win, the camera blinks one last time and shuts off, signalling twenty minutes had gone by. Dan got up from where he was sitting and went to go turn the camera back on when his foot caught the board and like before, the pieces went flying. 

This time, Phil just falls onto the floor and laughs into his hands as Dan collapses next to him and laughs too. When they finish their laughing and they finally get up the energy to get up and end the video anyway, Dan grabs the Dan Vs Phil board and pushes it at Phil. 

“Fine, you win.” 


	2. Alternate Ending

_“Looks like it’s a fucking tie! Are you happy Phil?”_

“Oh no,” Phil said mournfully.

“ _Oh no_ ,” Dan repeated dangerously.

“ **OH YES** ,” said a voice from Norman’s fish tank.

There was a pause. Dan and Phil looked at each other, trying to determine if the other had heard the sound, and then trying to determine if the other was trying to play a prank on him.

“Was that Norman?” Phil finally asked.

Dan narrowed his eyes at Phil. “No. It was you. Just because you want to win doesn’t mean you can try to fool me.”

“I didn’t do anything!” Phil protested. He pointed at the fish tank. “The sound came from over there.”

They left the overturned Monopoly board and slowly crossed the room. Phil checked behind the tank and Dan looked under the table. They couldn’t find a speaker or any device that could have made the sound. Norman was sitting on his leaf, innocently blowing bubbles from his fishy mouth.

“What the fuck,” said Dan, finally standing up and propping his hands on his hips. 

Phil shrugged. “It was Norman.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t _Norman,_ Phil.”

“ **Oh, but it was** ,” came the voice again. Dan and Phil both jumped.

“The _fuck_ \- ” started Dan again, but he was stopped.

“ **Enough,** ” said Norman, rising regally from his plant leaf. He floated closer to the surface of the water in his fish tank, staring at them through one beady eye. “ **I’ve had enough of your shenanigans**.”

“I’m dreaming,” said Phil, delighted.

“I must be dreaming,” said Dan, horrified.

Norman flipped his fin like a beautiful mane of hair. “ ** _I’m_ ** **the dream** ,” he said magnificently.

Dan ran to the kitchen to get a knife, then he ran back. He could not have a talking fish. It would disrupt his daily videos. When he got back, though, it was too late.

“ **Hey, what’s up** ,” said a naked stranger standing next to the fish tank. He was leaning seductively against the wall, arm propped on the fish tank. He had warm mocha-coloured skin, long, slender limbs, and thick, blue and teal-striped hair that flowed in waves down to his waist.

An unfamiliar fish, gold with black stripes, was swimming in the tank instead of Norman.

Dan dropped his knife. It almost cut his foot off. “ _N_ _orman?_ ”

The strange man flipped his beautiful mane of hair like a fin. “ **I’m** **a dream** ,” he said magnificently.

“Did you - ?” Dan gestured toward the tank, where the fish was swimming in sad circles. “You turned. Phil is.”

“ **Ah, yes** ,” said Norman the human. “ **I** **turned him into a fish.** ”

Dan picked up his knife again. He put it back down again. He would murder a fish if he had to, but he wasn’t sure what to do now that Norman wasn’t a fish.

Norman gracefully raised his hand and pointed at Dan. There was a _pop_ , and then Dan vanished. Where his right foot had been on the floor now flopped a tiny black- and white-striped fish.

Crossing the room, Norman picked up the fish and chucked it in the tank to join the Phil fish. They both started swimming in sad circles, but a little less sad now that they had each other.

“ **Aww** ,” said Norman. “ **They’re so cute**.”

He kicked the Monopoly board out of his way as he cheerfully trotted to sit in front of the camera, still fully naked. He waved at the lens. “ **Hi, Dan and Phil fans! As you can see, Dan and Phil just finished playing Monopoly. I won. This video will be uploaded to Phil’s channel, which will be renamed to AmazingNorman, since I will be making the videos now. As you saw, Dan and Phil are fish now, so I will do my best to take care of them, but I can only do that with your support!** ”

Norman beamed, teeth sparkling and white. “ **Like and subscribe!** ”

The video ended.

**Author's Note:**

> This was an endeavor and honestly I'm kind of shocked that it ever ended up happening. check people out on tumblr:  
> [CanDanAndPhilNot](https://candanandphilnot.tumblr.com)  
> [counting2fifteen](https://counting2fifteen.tumblr.com)  
> [kishere](https://filisaceaf.tumblr.com)  
> [patchworklove](https://sudden-sky.tumblr.com)  
> [Yiffandquiff](https://yiffandquiff.tumblr.com)  
> [itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualday)](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com)  
> [reblog on tumblr](https://counting2fifteen.tumblr.com/post/189672742418/dan-vs-phil-capitalist-edition) if you feel so inclined!


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